Party Commander T-Shirts

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

Balancing two espresso martinis

"I am so attracted to you right now."

'You're not confident at the water hole are you?'

Beers

Shaken not stirred

The devil you know and his plus one

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'No thanks, I don't drink when I'm driving home a point about investing.'

Cut out and keep your own DJ.

"Whine and cheezed party."

"Come to our microbrew party Saturday. It's B.Y.O.B. — Bring Your Own Brewery."

'We're the first film ever in HD 3-D DOUBLE D!'

"Honey, I think that's too many bows."

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

"I write mostly confessional non-fiction."

Whale Piñata.

"Why can't you ever relax at parties?"

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Oh, God! I had EXACTLY the right amount to drink last night."

"Please forgive us for being so late- we had parking issues."

'I've heard all about you. Jayne says you're quite the prankster.'

"Ugh, I was afraid he'd be here."

"You know, you're really cool – we should hang out sometime."

Angry wife: 'Oh well DONE Keith! Why didn't you tell me the invite said BRING your own spirits?!'

"...and what do you think will happen if you do attend the party?

Join me in a Caiprinha!