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"Trust me, son, if there was a monster under your bed I would have claimed it as a dependent by now."

"Well, the children are grown up, married, divorced, and remarried. I guess our job is done."

"Keeping all out kids does NOT make us hoarders."

"Now, where was I?"

'What do you mean 'it just happened'? Didn't we discuss cause and effect?'

'Evidently, studying isn't one of the tasks you perform when you're multitasking.'

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

'I'm NOT being a tattle-tale! -- I'm being a reliable source!'

'A life coach? What the hell do you want a life coach for?'

Adolescence is Coming!

"We're very worried that John's homework has started to interfere with his computer gaming."

I drive, therefore I am.

'It's my car now, but as soon as it's fixed, it'll be my daughter's again.'

"My parents have decided to homeschool me, but they haven't decided which home."

"Your sister got another promotion."

'Motherhood is great, but I get a really sore back...'

'My chiropractor said that since I had the twins my posture has improved.'

'Wally? Do you think I'm a good mother?...So who's going to take the blame for this?'

Changing the baby.

'Time out! He needs a hug!!'

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'It's difficult being both mother and father to them!'

"Do we have to use our inside voices through clenched teeth like you, Ms. Baker?"

"Ask your father, I've suddenly got a headache"

'Do any of your parents know what you're up to here?' 'Mam! Dad!' 'What?'

'But, Mom, what do the fish do for thirty minutes after they eat?'

You have to do WHAT to get that kid out of there?

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

'... But darling, you're not my mother... It's her responsibility to buy you a mother's day card, not mine.'

"He's at that annoying age where they're always testing you."

"One of the advantages of working from home is the free tech support."

A mother drives a mini-van full of kids; her bumper sticker reads "I'd rather be working".

"Y'know, sooner or later we're going to have to let her go out unaccompanied."

Maternity ward.

Quiet Time