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"Trust me, son, if there was a monster under your bed I would have claimed it as a dependent by now."

"Well, the children are grown up, married, divorced, and remarried. I guess our job is done."

"Keeping all out kids does NOT make us hoarders."

"Now, where was I?"

'What do you mean 'it just happened'? Didn't we discuss cause and effect?'

'Evidently, studying isn't one of the tasks you perform when you're multitasking.'

'The trick is to make it look as easy as possible while, underneath, you're paddling like hell.'

'A life coach? What the hell do you want a life coach for?'

'I'm NOT being a tattle-tale! -- I'm being a reliable source!'

Adolescence is Coming!

"We're very worried that John's homework has started to interfere with his computer gaming."

'It's my car now, but as soon as it's fixed, it'll be my daughter's again.'

I drive, therefore I am.

"My parents have decided to homeschool me, but they haven't decided which home."

Changing the baby.

'Motherhood is great, but I get a really sore back...'

'Wally? Do you think I'm a good mother?...So who's going to take the blame for this?'

'No,if you'll read the eyes-in-the-back-off-your-head chart, I check your mom vision,'

"Your sister got another promotion."

'Time out! He needs a hug!!'

'My chiropractor said that since I had the twins my posture has improved.'

"Do we have to use our inside voices through clenched teeth like you, Ms. Baker?"

'But, Mom, what do the fish do for thirty minutes after they eat?'

'Do any of your parents know what you're up to here?' 'Mam! Dad!' 'What?'

'It's difficult being both mother and father to them!'

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

"Ask your father, I've suddenly got a headache"

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

You have to do WHAT to get that kid out of there?

A mother drives a mini-van full of kids; her bumper sticker reads "I'd rather be working".

"One of the advantages of working from home is the free tech support."

"He's at that annoying age where they're always testing you."

Maternity ward.

'... But darling, you're not my mother... It's her responsibility to buy you a mother's day card, not mine.'

"Y'know, sooner or later we're going to have to let her go out unaccompanied."