Parenting Pragmatist T-Shirts

'The tests are pretty conclusive, Mrs. Kane. It's going to be a brat.'

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

Coronavirus Impact on Children

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

Grounded

Drive-thru Church

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Eager to get back out but want to limit your exposure? Come to Barry's barbershop, restaurant, gym 'n cinema.

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"When can I redeploy?"

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Not now, Matthew. This is Daddy's quiet-desperation time."

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

"Now, son, hitting a car is all about timing. You'll want to release about here..."