Parental Instinct Appreciator Pillows

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

Judge, jury and executioner.

"Someday when you have a kid of your own and you feel the urge to arbitrarily say no just because you can, you'll understand."

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

'I'm really tired of hearing about her pious children, the angel food cake.'

Funny how moms know when you're going to do something naughty at the exact time you're doing it.

'I can't talk now Kevin. I'm under house arrest.'

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

"This is humiliating. Couldn't you drop me a block from school?"

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

'Remember that starting with the end in mind limits any room for creativity and emegence.'

'As near as I can figure something bad happened and they're both in on it.'

'It seems like only yesterday that Sharon was knee high!'

"He made me promise I'd never mistreat you. Then he made me sit and listen to three house of dad rock."

'Get a job!? Dude, your daughter and I are working fulltime trying to get you a grandchild!'

"I'm not surprised that it's a bad school report. Statistics indicate that children get their intelligence from their fathers!"

'I don't think your dad likes me, Angie.'

'It's a little read book... the sayings of charwoman mum.'

"Just dropped by to do my groceries."

Parental Valentines Day Cards

'Then it's agreed. We'll go with our animal instincts.'

'Come on Timmy, you must eat your greens.'

"At least you're not afraid to fail."

"You don't need those glasses. Life is already in 3-D."

'Quick! Kids! There's a positive male role model on the television...'

'Mum, I've dropped my ice-cream...'

'When it comes to families 'none of the above' is a huge category.'

"You broke the window, huh?"

'When it comes to the children I believe in light-touch regulation.'

'You flunked math.'