Parental Economist Pillows

'It doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl as long as it'll make enough money for a good retirement home for us!'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'The school. My counselor told me to make the most of it...'

"Don't listen to her! She's a cuckoo: what would she know about parenting?!"

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

'I told my wife to run the house like a business. So she sold it to an American corporation.'

"Just think how much we could save if we switched the heating off altogether."

'With the economy the way it is, I'm going to have to let one of you go.'

You'll be a manicotti soon enough, son

"I think it's time we cashed in our spare change. We could probably pay off our house."

The Heating Oil Problem.

How to save on your heating bill...

"Good news. Your child buys into the change paradigm of growing up."

"What is the battle cry for homeschoolers?" Kids: "Go Home!"

"My Marcia has always been so talented in so many areas. I only hope she finds a direction for herself and gets married."

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"My client, whom I shall refer to as your son, has retained me to represent him in these negotiations regarding an increase in his allowance!"

'Where did we go wrong?'

"We put you through day-care. You're on your own now."

'Been toying with commodities again, have we?'

'I feel like doing a little writing tonight. Where's the checkbook?'

The various stages of pandemic paper towel usage.

'How am I supposed to do my part in stimulating the economy if you won't raise my allowance?'

"What a coincidence. My mum is going to be a single mum and I'm going to be a single baby!"

'We've had our new simplified gas bill!'

If the Fed can loosen it's money supply, why can't you?

"When my parent were kids, they made up alibis. I just carry disclaimers."

'We don't need our own stand. Just have your mom buy all the lemons at the store so we've cornered the market and can name our price!'

Chained CPI

"I'm a surrogate birth mother for hire. How do I claim my income?"

'...Now just key in your safety pin number...'

"Is it 'To whom should I yell at for touching the #!@*! thermostat' or 'To who should I yell at'?..."

Baby buying shares

"It isn't a romantic candle-lit dinner when you've had the electricity cut off."

"My school day was mixed. Big gains in history class, English was flat, math declined by a quarter-grade, and I took a pounding at recess."