Parental Bragger Pillows

Proud parent of a partner at Barnow, Littman, McKenna & Huyck.

"I got 30 likes but Mom's was not one of them."

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

A Tit for Tat.

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

Apprehensive about leaving the baby with a sitter for the first time, Michelle scales back her romantic dinner with Al.

'You think you're better than me, don't you?'

"Mom can really push my buttons. She installed them."

"When the new employment laws come in parenting is going to be a whole lot easier...."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

Securing a Magnificent Salmon.

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

'The greatest wine in my collection? Why, it's my '45 Chateau Palmer and, oh, what a coincidence, it's right here!'

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

"I understand that by the time we've hit our teens we'll have them pretty much where we want them."

"Before you know it, they'll be all grown up and moved to Brooklyn."

"You can't come out and play because you have to tidy your room? Man, it's time you cut the apron strings."

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

'Does that include the fishing rod?'

'Okay, Mum said no, but if we can get to Dad before she has time to brief him, we could still turn this into a yes.'

'I made this Valentine's card for you in school, mom. What the world needs is more love, and less homework.'

'After the day I've had at the office, I'm expected to stir my own tea!'

Our poor daughter doesn't have a prom date. Mo-om! I'm going with a group, of friends. No one "dates." Then I don't need a shotgun? Da-ad! I'll never get a boyfriend! Good. I heard that.

'It's all over! Warm up the bus!'

'I see the kids have 'broken-up' for the school holidays!'

'You wake the kids, Mr Macho, and I'll boomba, boomba you.'

"Do you have any other snack concepts?"

The Baby in the Theatre

'My daughter can't come to school today - I have a hot nose!'

The fact you just swam 60 lengths might have impressed me if we weren't in a hot tub.

Man: 'Oh for HEAVEN'S sake Zachary! WHAT have I told you about RUNNING THROUGH the house?!

Loud Mouth Bass.