Parent To Child Gifts

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

Teaching kids to count is fine - teaching kids what counts is best.

"I didn't know you could do worse than an F. When did they start handing out poop emojis?"

"Why isn’t it ‘no worries’ when I spill stuff?!"

'It's all right with me if you go out, but you'll have to file a flight plan with your father.'

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

"Your momma lied to you, boy."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

I understand that our cat Magus died. I miss her a lot. But I wish my parents wouldn't tiptoe around it. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You don't have to watch Youtube clips of CSI: Miami to understand that death is a part of life. The thing I don't understand about our cat's death is, who would've killed her and left a mountain of unresolved clues that only a crack forensics team can figure out? Where were you at 8:45 p.m.? The Youtube Generation grows up fast.

'That's my boy...'

Boy on father's knee

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

Young Godzilla.

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

'Dad, try to catch some jellyfish to go with my peanut butter.'

"Lately, I've begun to understand - and forgive - my parents."

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

A woman carrying a child carrying a teddy bear

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy.' You in?"

The swamp of adolescence

"Stickers, fairy tattoos, a coloring book ... but no, Mom, I'm not seeing any stretch-mark cream in the goody bag."

Sweets

"The second I turn 16 I'm joining a conservative political party and then I'll be able to do whatever I want!"

"What's it to be Dad? Two quid or Handels water music in G flat?"

"My teacher noticed you weren't at parent teacher night. She wanted to ask you why I never take an interest in anything."

'Pick up your feet when you walk.'

'I've got to have a talk with my mother. She thinks the stork brought me.'

"Maybe I'd get better grades, Dad, if you came up with some kind of stimulus package."

"You call that a made bed?"

Naive.

'A cow is called 'productive livestock' because it gives milk. Parents are productive livestock, too, because they give pocket money.'

"Son, your mother and I agree – it's time for you to leave the hat."

"There's a lesson here, son. Being rich doesn't stop it from raining,"