Parent-teacher Conference Pillows

The Berlitz Guide to Parent-Teacher Conferences

"Well, for starters, Matt has been showing definite improvement in risk-taking."

'I SAID your son doesn't listen well in class...'

Parent-Teacher Conferences: 'The bad news is your son failed every test I gave this term. The good news is that we know he's not abusing any mind-expanding drugs.'

"Bobby's not learning anything and he's very disruptive in class, but his self-esteem is in great shape!"

"Your son carved his initials in his wooden classroom desk and argued he was doing desktop publishing."

'Yes, Jimmy is evolving, but it's going to take him at least 20,000 years to catch up with the rest of the class!'

'Well you can't fault his coursework, but I can't help thinking that he still has a few unresolved personal issues!'

"On the plus side, he's a disruptor."

"Yes, that's correct Mr. Brown. Your son was punished for something he didn't do... His homework."

"He's at that awkward age when he tells his teachers valuable information about his parents."

'Do you feel as foolish as I do, having a conference with Billy's teaching machine?'

"Your son has a remarkable memory."

"Take away the D and the C minuses, and that's a darn fine report card, Dad."

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'

"I thought those D's meant dedicated!"

"These conferences are a good thing. It keeps parents off the streets."

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

"Every day, I ask her 'what did you learn at school today' and every day, she says 'nothing'."

"I don't need your help with my homework. Actually, I was a little disappointed with your work last time."

"Timmy is doing awfully well, considering the rather feeble genetic stock of his parents."

I will not peek at my phone during parent-teacher conference....

"She came in for her son's report card, but I gave her an A-honor roll student's report card by accident."

"Oh, them? Their kid kept screwing around in class. Your little Timmy better watch himself or the same thing will happen to you."

"In fact, the work's been so good that we question whether it's Will's own."

"We're not too concerned about him not graduating. We've only made it to tenth grade so we're already proud."

"He has the tweeting skills of a man twice his age."

'She's doing great, but I would like her to participate a bit more in class: She's, well, as quiet as a mouse of course...'

"In economics, I got an IOU."

Something tells me it's not going to be a good school report!

Common Core Family Therapy

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"I got all Z's because I fell asleep in class."

'Every child is an artist but it appears your Candice is a plumber.'

'All I know is when it's the 'birds and bees' it's about sex; and when it's the 'bulls and bears' it's about money.'