Paranoid Ponderers Pillows

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

Things my cat says at 3 am

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

The Artist

Late BroomStick

"Why bother?"

No Immediate Danger

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"Listen to this: 'Technology reduces the time we spend on a given task, but increases the number of tasks we're expected to do.' Sounds like a no-win situation to me!"

"Needs to get a life"

"Oh boy charades! I love charades! Something big? Is it a bird? It's sharp! Behind? Above?"

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

Optimist

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

WANTED Dead or Alive - Schrodinger's Cat.

"I have good news and bad news about your cat, Dr Schrodinger..."

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

"You dropped yer wallet."

Schrödinger and his cat

"What's important is that we learn from what we must never admit happened."

Another Time Travel Pair o' Ducks.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

"Most people forget they've had amnesia."

Sharing the Bed with Zeno

"Oh my God, help! Is there a logician on board?!"

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

'When we bought this place we thought we'd only be making wine. Apparently, we're also into spirits.'

'You can fill your teddy bear with stuffing or with a demonic spirit summoned from the nether regions.'

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

'What do lawyers really want, Mr. Montague?'