Paranoid Parents Pillows

'You can only come in if you've been CRB checked.'

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

Trust

"Guess who figured how to call 911!"

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"The penicillin looks good."

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

The grim reaper (of humans) and the angel of death (for dogs) are foreshadowing the imminent death of a man and his doh.

Ask me about Naming Rights.

'Don't open that attachment!'

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"

"I filled your pool with anitbacterial soap. It's just until the swine flu alert is over."

Things my cat says at 3 am

"I'm impressed...Baldo stayed up all night studying."

'Hazmat suits are the new normal.'

'He's a neurotic bloodhound. He thinks he's being followed.'

"I know you're anxious about the sun but he really will be OK with factor 50."

"Sorry we have to leave, but it is 8:30 and our 28 year old is home alone..."

'No! No! Don't give that chocolate to the dog! It's poison!...'

"You two are awfully quiet. I don't like the sound of that!"

'Stay on the line while Mummy reads you the Report.'

'Phyllis! Thank heaven! I was beginning to imagine something terrible had happened to the car!'