Paranoid Parents Pillows

'You can only come in if you've been CRB checked.'

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

"Guess who figured how to call 911!"

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

'Should I just hit 'reply to all' and save the government the trouble?'

"The penicillin looks good."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

Ask me about Naming Rights.

The grim reaper (of humans) and the angel of death (for dogs) are foreshadowing the imminent death of a man and his doh.

'Don't open that attachment!'

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

"I filled your pool with anitbacterial soap. It's just until the swine flu alert is over."

What's wrong with me? I'm sure it's nothing. What's nothing? Absolutely nothing to worry about. "I'm sure it's nothing" are the evilest words in medicine!!! That's actually true.

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"

"I'm impressed...Baldo stayed up all night studying."

Things my cat says at 3 am

'Hazmat suits are the new normal.'

"Sorry we have to leave, but it is 8:30 and our 28 year old is home alone..."

'He's a neurotic bloodhound. He thinks he's being followed.'

Did you finish your homework? Ungh

"I know you're anxious about the sun but he really will be OK with factor 50."

'No! No! Don't give that chocolate to the dog! It's poison!...'

Three dozen scones, three dozen boxes of your best tea

"You two are awfully quiet. I don't like the sound of that!"

'Stay on the line while Mummy reads you the Report.'