Pain Relief Pundit T-Shirts

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

'I see the rebranded mobile methadone project got underway.'

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

"Say aaargh!" (Dentist presents his bill to a patient).

"I don't prescribe opioids, but feel free to grab a CBD-laced lollipop on your way out."

Slept on the plane and now in horrible pain?

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

'Anxiety drugs are driving up big pharma stocks, thanks to global armed conflict!'

'Terrific commercial. I'm sold. You'll start on that medicine immediately.'

"If the medication we're giving you has side effects then we have some pills that may help."

"You probably already know this disease from the walkathon of the same name."

"Of course, I would suggest a shot of novacaine."

"Where does it hurt?"

"Now, you may feel a little pressure..."

I heard you've to an awful, mysterious pain in the side of your face. Yeah. You can try the modern approach, drug yourself silly so you don't feel the pain. You know a better way, Sadie? Well, in your case, I'd suggest going with the tried and true cure-all: Drill a hole in your head to let out the demons. No need. You're already out. That's ... Well-played, nemesis. Well-played.

'Your glaucoma will never improve this way, Buzzy.'

'This won't hurt.'

'I think your doctor gave you the wrong note, Sir. We don't have any bread and milk.'

I don't let the dentist use painkillers. I transcend dental medication.

'My earthly body is still in the doctor's waiting room.'

A man hugs a heart-shaped cactus

Ugh! I hate shots! The Dodos.

'Ooh, that's better!'

'Does it hurt when I do this...?'

'If it starts to hurt, just wiggle your ears.'

'My chiropractor has made me feel so good, I thought it was time I got rid of my pills.'

'Okay, where's your chair?' - 'I've decided to squat for 8 hours a day to build my thighs.' - 'Won't that hurt?' - 'Fortunately, I've developed a massive pain tolerance by sitting opposite you for so long.'

'It's the perfect life. When the Dow is up, we make a fortune on our stocks. When the Dow is down, we make a fortune on new patients.'

"Well, those placebos are obviously not working so I'm going to prescribe a much stronger dose."

A tiny man squeezing a giant's head in a vice

Your sonata will resume after a brief ditty titled Ask your doctor if this drug is right for you. Concerts sponsored by YouTube.

'Back pain? The beef stew is just laced with analgesics.'

'You're less likely to become addicted buying the expensive brand name, than the cheaper generic.'

'So what'll it be; novocain or profanity?'