Orchestral Performer Gifts

The Chimes.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

A fairy with wand and crown in pink tutu

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

No Elgar!

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'OK, everybody...'Louie, Louie' from the top!'

Bad Timbre: the world's first Garage Philharmonic Orchestra

Cow Show Tunes

The Hey Diddle Diddle Orchestra

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Orchestra.

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

George Michael

Taking a peek at the audience

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"I can't believe he brought her."

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

"Bravo!"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition