Op-ed Aficionado Pillows

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

"Why don't you ever fetch anything good like a pizza?"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Günter Grass

'I can hold a match to his notebook.'

Tesseract of the D'Urbervilles.

Mark Twain and Charles Dickens make a joint appearance on the lecture circuit

Dip Pen

Annual Pollsters Convention. Wow, who could've predicted such a low turnout?

“The two spaces after a period were a dead giveaway.”

Opinion Dislodgement Disorder (ODD).

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

'On a personal note, I'm pleased to report I've been upgraded from reporter to opinionated loudmouthed pundit.'

'Which scares you most - Iran, North Korea, or the alternative minimum tax?'

Desk of Public Opinion Polls has 'In' box 'Out' box and 'Undecided'.

"And Jasper, dear Jasper, with his soulful eyes and great sagging jowl, would be stretched upon the floor, his tail a-thump when he heard his master's footsteps." Penny loved Daphne Du Maurier's 'Rebecca'.

"Would you mind taking a look at this collection of my poems? Your opinion would mean a lot."

Editor. Short. Sweet.

'Never mind four out of five doctors.. what do four out of five LAWYERS recommend?'

"I can write, but I can't draw."

'He's determined to not pay for The Times online.'

'Day is day and night is night. That's the opinion of the management of this station. Here with a rebuttal, is attorney...'

How very Independent!

Leisure Editor

Inventor of wheel and discoverer of fire seen on date! More (arrow). The first tabloid.

"I wonder what odds you would have got for that happening?"

'you just don't get the idea of being a watchdog, do you?'

"I'd just like to congratulate you on how skillfully you've hidden my novel!"

'I like reading romance novels: They always leave me with a warm feeling inside...'

Man to other: 'You don't really know what it's like until you've walked a mile in another man's scandal.'

"According to the Times, the cartoonist drew my right hand wrong."

"Just sign it 'To the Lucky High Bidder.'"

'Grandpa isn't very child-friendly, is he?'