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R. Wickert: Born at Home, Died at Home, Home Schooled. . .

'Someone got me because I matched her purse, I've been to a rock concert, a night club and two weddings, Life as a designer dog is great but I'd trade caviar for kibble to get a good night's sleep,'

Sometimes he just stood back and admired the breathtaking scenery of his life.

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

Low-Energy Drinks

'I love my new easylife artist's easel.'

Cat in a flap

Meanwhile in Hollywood

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"Kevin, I'm leaving you to find myself ... a better Internet connection."

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"Mommy, watch, I'm living authentically!"

"Your blood sugar levels are off the chart! Just how many Hallmark Christmas movies did you watch?"

A baseball player is too busy checking his smartphone to catch a ball.

Trust

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

"My best friend is my phone."

'Home is where I hang my bat.'

"I live for the moment. That moment just happens to be in the indefinite future."

'I think my diet is finally working. went form a large to an extra medium.'

'Mom, can you tell me about the days before Pilates and Latte's?'

'I've been watching TV all my life. I was born cable ready.'

"If he didn't live each day like it was his last, he would have lived another 40 years."

"Who's been nibbling at my kale house?"

Macho Vegetarian

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'You see, you don't really need a cigarette to wake up in the morning.'

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

"Bob choked on a spoon of caviar while he was on skiing vacation in St. Moritz."