Oldest Child Pillows

"Howard is my firstborn, and my masterpiece."

"And this is my oldest son I was telling you about. The one that eats like a horse."

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

Face painting.

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- he's kind of a starter kit.'

'How do you like my two-tone car?'

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

The day the cat realized it was dependent.

"May we live in interesting times. And may we outlive them."

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy.' You in?"

'Are we broke yet?'

"Your brow is definitely more furrowed than it used to be!"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

PREPARING A POMEGRANATE FOR DUMMIES

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Tell us the one about swift justice, Grandpa."

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

'Oh, nothing, just babysitting the Lord of the Rings.'

Peter

Saguaro Cactus Regrets.

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

"If I had known how adult her place was I would have brought nicer beer."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

'Thank goodness for clumsy children: A spilt ice-cream!'

Patey's in a band! He's so cool!

"No, I want to know the meaning of never calling your mother."

"You used to be a lot more fun."

Bob began seeing his mother, who gave him up for adoption, professionally, three times a week. It didn't help much.

"This tire raced in the Indy 500."

"The floors are hot lava, but the apartment does come furnished with plenty of pillows."