Offbeat Gift Giver Gifts

'Hand these out to the workforce.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

Imagine

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Shouldn't have, you really."

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

'I gotta bad feeling about this.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

'Please enter your pin now.'

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

"Not lengthways you idiot!!"

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

Rent-a-Drama: "How many tweens will you need for your event?"

Sorry about the odor --- Phone booths have gone out of style so I had to change in a dumpster.

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!

WC problem.

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"This locket contains my very first username and password."