Odds Appraiser Pillows

Men betting on whether a gambling commission will work.

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

'Oh yeah, your dad might be on 4-1 in this afternoon's race, but mine is on 3-1!'

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

Dept of Probability: Maybe, Possibly, Perhaps.

"I've had you appraised."

Son, I don't think this was how Whistler painted HIS mother.

'I applied the instant rebate and the returning customer loyalty reward, so that comes to fifty cents.'

'Today's Odds' sign above a copier showing various odds for machine's malfunctions

"Lady here wants to put £5 on Cambridge 'Each way'!"

election polling

"Junior, there's more to life than winning. There's also beating the spread."

House for sale, appliances included (in the yard).

"Watch out for the linebacker over the middle and the guy in section 7 whose point spread you ruined."

I brake for anything discarded that I can bring to the antiques roadshow.

'You've become unbearable since you started working in that betting shop!'

"And finally for the record, the clerk of the court has odds of 6-4 guilty, 2-1 not guilty..."

Man sees sign on betting shop door listing odds on when the proprietor will come back from lunch.

Valuation of Heaven

Antiques Store with a bin outside with a sign saying 'Not for Sale'.

'Yes, I know you've been calling here for years trying to get a hold of Mr. Shelton, but he isn't in right now. . . he hasn't returned from his first-ever appraisal!'

"How can we tell if this old movie poster is valuable?"

Casino. Ask about our frequent take-a-flyer program.

Match-fixing (cricket)

'There's a horse in the next race called 'Taxman' - he MUST win!'

'What's the odds on Cheltenham going ahead?'

'The sugar chest is original but the contents are artificial.'

"The match fixers are making it a bit obvious."

Handicap Parking Only - Ticket Odds 4 to 1.

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'You say that one day you win and the next day you lose? Why don't you bet on alternate days?'

I'm sorry, the pension fund was beaten by two lengths!

"He's giving 3-1 Magic Spider in the 230."

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