Occupational Health Professional Gifts

Urine Catcher

One of Santa's elves is crushed to death by a present in the workshop, ruining the 364 days of 'Elf and Safety'.

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Man sees sign as he exits bathroom: 'Employees Often Wash Hands'.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Today we'll be performing some much needed maintenance on Miss Trimbles weak pelvic floor."

Physician tending a mummy.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

Cardiac Recovery.

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

Disease Management

Vending machine: NO stress, only 50 cents.

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

"You work too hard. You have stress balls!"

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

'If you exercise you add 10 years to your life.' - 'But I would spend the 10 years exercising.'

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

'Your reflexes are still good!'

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'