Observing Modern Life Pillows

"Have you been waiting long?"

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Did you get my tweet?"

Selfie Stick

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Weird things I do because of the internet

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

The Evolution Of Man.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

Tunnel of TV

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"How is it gendered?"

"The club scene is really changing."

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Typical bored kid of the New Millennium

"Teenagers! Everyone try to look cool!"

"Nd how did tht mke u feel?"

"Hi, I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."