Oblivious Spouse Pillows

"But, Marge, five hundred channels. Won't that make a difference?"

"The tide is coming in, sweetheart!"

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

The Perfect Foil

Behind Every Stupid Man

When the Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home.

"Those are insightful and legitimate questions about our country, Tommy, and if times were different, your mom and I probably wouldn't have to report you to the government for asking them!"

"Never marry an engineer."

'It was so romantic. He got down on one knee, showed me the ring, and proposed--right after we exchanged credit reports.'

"I need a more interactive you."

'His wife is very supportive.'

Scared husband needs to have scans done in children's exam room.

"Then we agree. 10 minutes of your news, then 10 minutes of mine."

'Swear on your unpublished novels that you will support each other's ridiculous dreams.'

It's January. Do you know where your children are?

"The groceries are in the car."

Old Love

Animals have broken into (and out of) Norm's home through window.

'What did your grandmother and I do before we had 600 channels? Go ask your 12 aunts and uncles.'

'In our thirty years of marriage she's squirreled away loads of money, but she can't remember where.'

'No, officer, I'm not a homeless beggar. I'm just waiting on my wife while she's shopping.'

"If I could choose any age I'd be forty-two again. You were hot when I was forty-two."

"I can see future generations swallowing the 'talking serpent' part, but we need a more plausible forbidden fruit."

"The beanbag chair, … do we take it out of the furniture budget or the art budget?"

"Not another gooseberry bush!"

THE GOLDMANS HIRE A MEDIA CONSULTANT.

'Space is not an issue: I'll just dig out a few more rooms...'

Trial by Viagra

The wedding.

"O.K., that's settled. Larry gets the car and Barbara gets the parking space."

“We need eggs, milk, bread... Oh, and get an extra-large tub of outrage. We’re running low.”

'What - you don't want to marry me after you became rich and famous? Oh, great! Now I've got to think about a new pension plan!'

Shadow

"You make a very compelling case, Jeffrey, but I still maintain that my day was worse than yours."

"Of course it was good, Milton. . . But the best part is it took my mind off the condition the country is in for nearly twenty minutes!"