Oarator Gifts

Meet the Oar-thor.

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

Man opens refrigerator which promptly burps.

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

'Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!'

A. Lincoln, President. The "of the people, by the people, for the people" part is great, Abe, but the "people who need people" section may be overkill.

William Pitt the Elder

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'A 'pregnant pause' is effective only if you've already said something.'

"And what would you like to regret later?"

Projecting Obama

"Whosoever pulleth this sword from this stone, and can eat just two or three of these double-chocolate Amaretto things without finishing the whole box, shall be king born of England!"

'He'll be really p****d if he doesn't get nominated for an award this year.'

"In closing, let me tell you that never in the universe have I spoken before such an attentive audience."

Hallelujah!

"He says he's a Professor of Rhetoric but I'm not persuaded."

Holiday Overkill.

Nice speech, but you don't have that many friends. You better add "Romans and countrymen."

The Corus.

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

Pablo Casals upset at interpretation of his work by young girl.

'Ring binders Direct' 'Ace Laxatives'

'A middle seat?! Just my luck!'

Georg Frideric Handel

"What Color Is Your Soapbox?"

No caption. (Rowers carry an oar in four briefcases).

'You're not quite what we had in mind.'

The Church-Going Bell.

The controversy of ROW VS WAIT: 'Row, to find fish!'

"Doctor, your speech was certainly unabridged."

"This time, Joe passes the gas, Sue cuts, Bob retracts and I grab the appendix... wait, better play... I pass the gas, Sue cuts, Lynne holds retractors, Bob grabs the appendix... wait........"

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'