Nutrition-minded Jokester T-Shirts

Salt flats - 100mi. Low sodium salt flats - 150mi.

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The second day of my diet is the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Well, then - two apples a day."

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

Weight Gain Denial

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

"30 million cookies and thousands of gallons of milk all in one night? Yes, I'd say we've got dietary issues to address."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'The items with the little hearts will clog your arteries the fastest.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

' ... and a side order of statins.'

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

You are what you eat

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."