Nurturing Pioneer Pillows

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

L'il Buckaroo on Board.

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

"How is it gendered?"

Why all mothers deserve a special day.

'You can go home today, but we'd like to run a few more tests on your husband.'

"Not to alarm you, but the other newborns are already ahead."

To prevent Christmas git opening from being over in a flash, the Wagner kids were required to use only their feet.

'I have her registered in a pre-med nursery program.'

The conversion.

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

In an alternate universe, characters from the rough draft and finished manuscript of the same novel meet themselves at a cocktail party.

'I don't get it! Not one of these books gives the same advice TWICE!

'If you don't like fathers in the delivery room, where will you be?'

Arctic Hothouse

"It's about keeping the bunny alive within each of us."

"Does it come with instructions?"

"I couldn't find the off switch."

"I'm not surprised that lady's so fat. . . The baby's been blowing her up for hours."

"Support the head!"

"Narrative play is dead."

"Which one's mine?!"

2020 Panic Room

"If you kids want to grow up to be writers, it's time we give you something to write about."

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

'Let's play house. You be the stay-at-home dad, and I'll be the career mom.'

'I was well-informed, well-adjusted, a useful member of society - then I married.'

'I gave them shared parental leave and they left me holding the baby!'

'Great draft. It just needs a little exfoliation.'

Why it's called child-rearing.

'Welcome to pre-natal kindergarten. First we'll review your pre-born's cirriculum and then I'll assign womb numbers.'