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Calculator Jokes

'You may now turn over your paper and begin.' - 'Sir!' - 'Yes?' - 'What is it?' - 'I think Train 'A' and Train 'B' might be going to crash!'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

"Do you promise to love, honour and contribute to the gross national product?"

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

Inside One's Memory Bank

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

"Six out of ten statisticians prefer to be in the majority."

Gloat

Staff Yearbook

'The deficit doesn't look nearly so bad now that we've switched to Arabic numerals.'

'According to our fact finding committee, our stock won't be worth a dime this quarter.'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

Economy Slows: 'It's still too fast for me.'

But under a different accounting convention ...

Teacher: 'As an adult you'll probably only use a quarter of what you're taught at school - which brings us to fractions.'

An Everyday Explanation of the Federal Budget.

"Yo, this should be a two."

"Mommy, look! Tablets from olden days!"

"The hardest to convert are inches to centimeters."

The IRS emptied my pouch.

Warning: Math Ahead!

"Mine's bigger than yours."

'And you'll be pleased to notice, sir, that we had to eliminate the top of the chart.'

I often thought that I should have been a weaver of words,someone who danced and sang his way into peoples souls and through my imagination led others into a world of dreams and intoxicating revelry...But auditing offered a much better pension.

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'