Newscaster Pillows

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

'Experts today predicted natural disasters so devastating that only the rich and powerful will survive...'

"This is Larry Hawkins, …. On the lawn …... Outside your house."

Rachel Maddow

'Please stand by. Our Newscaster has lost his toupee.'

'As we can see, climate change has encouraged some species to adapt to new environments.'

'The National Debt just sounds like it's a lot of money because it's such a large number.'

MD-HDTV

"In a controversial move today, the State of Rhode Island made a tender offer for the State of New Jersey."

'On a sad note, 14 clowns perished when their vehicle...'

"I don't know about you, but I find that deeply offensive."

'This is Cindy Larrabee, substituting for Alicia Bemis, who turned out to be not quite blonde enough....'

"I mean the Saturday Night Live president, not the lousy one."

"And now, another news update - updated from the updated news that was updated ten minutes ago..."

'Today the candidate's approval rating soared on news he beat John McCain at online poker.'

'Good evening. Peter Jennings is ff tonight, and I'm some ditzy blonde...'

Weather reporter feels guilty every time it rains.

'And now we go to Rick, for his instant reaction to 3rd quarter GDP.'

This is Wally the Whacky Weatherman, switching you to Neil the Nutty Newscaster....'

'Good evening. I'm Margie Stableford, the blondest newscaster on television!'

'It's ten P. M. -- do you know what the President's core beliefs are?'

Haiti - when is the next disaster on?

Faith Intact

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

Sue always liked to look at the bigger picture...

'She's irate. She thought she was hired as newsreader totty and she's just found out it was to prove we're not ageist.'

'Bad news isn't real. It's a conspiracy by newsreaders to make money.'

'If you smiled in the mornings, you'd come up in the ratings, too.'

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"We go now to our White House correspondent... Jim? Jim?"

"And, when we come back, Liz will be here with lots more lip gloss."

"Joe, what about you? Would you like to make a face at Mr. Trump?"

"The combined total of major-league batting averages was down three and a half points today. Outs outnumbered hits four to one, on a total of fourteen hundred at-bats."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"