News Junkies Pillows

"Why can't newspapers run more good-news stories?"

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

Relax compadres. They don't call it the swine flu no more!

This Bus Runs on Punditry

"I find it increasingly difficult to remain man's best friend."

Try not to worry.

'We made it! We're on the most wanted list!'

'Vive le indifference!'

"My goodness! Do we have to rob old ladies again in our old days?"

'They say most accidents happen in your home.'

"I know the news is bad - you don't have to whack me with it!"

The Other Vaccine

"Four More Years!"

"The media don't manipulate the news!"

'Whoa! - You'll never guess who just got assassinated!'

'Covid airborne'.

Look! This says that space aliens have landed and have taken over control of the earth. Boy that's a load off my mind!

"The president today urged Americans to spend more and get into debt more..."

"If you use up all your worry today what will you have tomorrow?"

Baby In Trouble

"Don't worry... Compassion Fatigue should be setting in any minute now..."

"These video games are way too violent! That's the evening news."

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

Hostage Taker on the Loose!

Donald Trump Insults Mulsims. Hillary Clinton Kills Them.

Beltwar Denials

Newsweird

Sports Membership Has Its Privileges

Thank You for Your Previously Boring Service

Financing Americans is Getting Cheaper

You Look Like a Million

The Climate Change Debate Explained

The Epic Battle Over Anthony Kennedy's Replacement Is the Charadiest of All Charades Ever

"See what we missed. . .? I told you that we should have gone to church yesterday!!"

"And for you older folks, the current time is 'nowadays.'"