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The Best of Times/The Worst of Times

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

"Now over to our healthcare correspondent."

Doctor to patient regarding awaiting media: 'I hope you don't mind - I called a press conference.'

'We interrupt entertainment to bring you politics....'

". . . And after the latest coronavirus update, we have the following cancellations - life as we know it!"

"This is Ritz Rose, substituting for the vastly over rated Ed Yomp..."

World News for 2018

"There is nothing like ten weeks of quality time with your kids to remind you of how great teachers are."

'...Meanwhile, in the Catholic division, Divine Mercy throttled Eternal Peace, while Good Shepherd was mercilessly pummeled by St. Francis.'

Network News, Then and Now.

"Ahh!! What are these people waiting for?!! Don't they know we've had this story ready for weeks?!!"

"And that wraps it up for today's headlines. For a preview of what's happening tomorrow, here's Cassandra..."

Breaking News

When the earth's rotation became irregular.

"We live in interesting times. Present company exempted, of course."

'The galaxy explodes in a fiery hellscape - but first, the latest on the 'Octomom'.'

"Today on Sunday Hot Takes: who will be this week's big sexual harasser?"

"I'm sorry, Mel, but we're letting all our anchormen go. Our viewers don't want anymore news."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Press Freedom

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."