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The Best of Times/The Worst of Times

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

'Same old, same old.'

"Now over to our healthcare correspondent."

Doctor to patient regarding awaiting media: 'I hope you don't mind - I called a press conference.'

'We interrupt entertainment to bring you politics....'

". . . And after the latest coronavirus update, we have the following cancellations - life as we know it!"

"This is Ritz Rose, substituting for the vastly over rated Ed Yomp..."

World News for 2018

"Some other news, China declares war on Peru, ISIS blows up the pyramids and the pope resigns. Now back to more comments from David Bowie fans."

"There is nothing like ten weeks of quality time with your kids to remind you of how great teachers are."

Brian Williams - Incoming!

'...Meanwhile, in the Catholic division, Divine Mercy throttled Eternal Peace, while Good Shepherd was mercilessly pummeled by St. Francis.'

Network News, Then and Now.

"Ahh!! What are these people waiting for?!! Don't they know we've had this story ready for weeks?!!"

'And according to a new poll, baseball and apple pie have now been replaced by facebook and taco bell.'

"And that wraps it up for today's headlines. For a preview of what's happening tomorrow, here's Cassandra..."

Breaking News

When the earth's rotation became irregular.

"We live in interesting times. Present company exempted, of course."

'The galaxy explodes in a fiery hellscape - but first, the latest on the 'Octomom'.'

The Mighty Wotizzit?! Part 7

"Today on Sunday Hot Takes: who will be this week's big sexual harasser?"

In international news, a food store in India was closed because the salami was rancid. In other words, the Delhi deli was too smelly! An Egyptian student was caught cheating by the test monitor, who withheld his scholarship. The Cairo proctor docked him! A young teen welsh coal miner married a woman pushing fifty. Minor miner wed a forty-niner! No more wise cracks, Ernie! After this final story. Just say "Goodnight" to the viewers! In Italy, a major food manufacturer has temporarily halted produ

A Lie Too Far

"I'm sorry, Mel, but we're letting all our anchormen go. Our viewers don't want anymore news."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Press Freedom

Difference of Opinion