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"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"It's his emotional support animal."

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

Baby's book is titled: 'Dummies for Dummies.'

Fat Kid 17- Swallows the phone

'I think it may be a limited edition.'

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

'Breasts can be so rude. So often they start without me.'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk -- she's kind of a starter kit.'

Newborn making the V-sign

Honey, Can You Buy Me Some Sanitary Towels?

'I thought I might try a bit of Stand-up.'

Gangster Babies

'I guess I wasn't thinking. I bought a return ticket.'

We had to use my wife's pouch as a diaper bag.

"No chance of accumulating frequent birthing points in here. This is the only trip I'll take."

A dingo brings home another baby - 'You take it back right now... we still got the last one you brought home!'

"You went here instead of the maternity ward. Fortunately, we experts in delivery too!"

"If mum's aerobic classes are to continue I'll need a passenger safety airbag fitted!"

"Look! the poor kid's prematurely BALD!"

Fat Kid 18- Makes lego dentures

'So that's why babies don't have teeth.'

"Podca-a-a-a-a-a-ast!!!"

Shares in Headache tablets gone up since new baby was born.

"Gee, my first man cave!"

"One last question, where's its mute button?"

"Who do you have to know around here to get a fluffy?"

"Which one is yours?"

'Isn't he a little young for sideburns?'

"'Waaaaah, waaaaah!' is not an answer!"

"It was dark, damp and cramped - why did you lock me in there for nine months??!..."

"Baby FOMO."

'Wait a minute...what am I doing? I can't count yet.'