New Recruit Gifts

'Our company lost $3.2 billion this year. Since you only started working here on Tuesday, you'll only receive half the blame.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"This will be your desk until you're dead or incarcerated."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Outer Space Outsourcing

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"And where have you previously moused?"

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"College basketball recruiters are after him."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'