Navigator Of Tricky Family Waters Pillows

"Trust me, Roz, it's a fabulous 'mother-in-law' apartment."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

'How do you know I won't shrink if I didn't come with a washing instructions tag?'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

'It may not be your feng shui, but it's my feng shui.'

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

My changing Body: A Guide For New Fathers

'I think he's proud of his ability to be in the way in more than one room at a time.'

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

Coping during the 6 weeks school holidays.

"Wet wipe?"

'Do you realize that I spend more time out than I do in?'

Reason #149 for making sure the whole family wears seat belts: It helps keep the kids quiet.

Kids go to school and mom goes to the psychiatric clinic.

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

"I'm sorry, Tom... but you don't Chronic Fatigue Syndrome if it only when you're going to see your inlaws."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

"No, we're not there yet because your father refuses to ask for directions!"

"The penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law..."