Navigating Babyhood Pillows

'I have this recurring nightmare. Mum's so engorged she can't get out of bed to feed me.'

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"I'm so good at this!"

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'Son, the world is ripe for the taking ... you better stay home with me.'

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'He's more supportive after his nap.'

'But, Mom, being good just doesn't work for me.'

"Dad—will the heroine go into rehab?"

Preparing for a new arrival

Biological Alarm Clock.

Doctor has the taste for patients urine samples.

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."

"I'm turning into my mother, and it's awesome!"

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!" "I want to go back to work." "But my son is still so young. I'd have to send him to preschool or day care. And then most of my salary would go to pay for that. So what should I do?" "You should do what we did in my day: Have six more kids and then let them all fend for themselves!" "If your eldest isn't a strong leader, it may get a little 'Lord of the Flies'-ish, but that builds character!" "...in the survivors."

They Removed my Brain.

The relay race

Please take a number.

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

'I know how you like things to be clean, so I gave fishy a bath!"

"Hi - Mom? Going to Kayla's house? Thanks!"

'I never know how much to leave for lunch.'

'Are you trying to tell me that neither of you get penalty rates for the 2 a.m feed?'

"Oh come now, darling. When I was your age, I felt different, too."

"I lost the spelling bee on the word 'gangsta.' "

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I'll never watch Alien again!!

"Of course, you've always set a good example for me ... that's why you embarrass me so much."

"My mom used to be an excellent housekeeper, but I put a stop to that."