Nautical Gourmet T-Shirts

"I can see this prepared as quenelles de maquereau with a nice rémoulade and some herbed zucchini spirals."

"Look, salsa! This explains why the captain brought tortilla chips."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

To do before Saturday...

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

The Origins of Everything

Holiday Supplies

'Is this still America?'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

'Cooking'

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'