Naughty Humorist Gifts

Best Orgasms.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Honey, where did you put my Green Lantern cufflinks?!"

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

Now Hiring. Artificial Intelligence & Research Lab. "Artificial Intelligence"? Great! I'd be a real asset to your project since I'm not as intelligent as I look!

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

"Maybe Earth's primordial soup did contain polyester."

'I see you've managed to cut your coffee consumption in half.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

Paunch and Judy.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

Pavlov's dog eats Schrodinger's cat.

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'