Mystic Marketeer T-Shirts

Crystal balls: 'We have three new models to choose from: Scam, Swindle and Extort.'

Asking out a palm reader.

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

"I'm not telling you to stay. I'm talking to the stock market."

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

"Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% budget allocation."

"There's a lot of uncertainty out there these days. Or not. Who knows?"

Falling stocks appear to be rising when man stands on his head.

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

"These are magic beans, my boy. Their value comes from growth and scale, not revenue."

Melissa's Mark Prediction Service

"I've accepted that I'm getting richer."

'Some think we economic forecasters speak a lot of Mumbo Jumbo'

'I'm a 100% consistent investor. I buy bonds when I should buy stocks when I should buy bonds.'

'The crystal ball says to buy and the 8-Ball says to sell.'

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

"Helen, is it just the accountant in me, or am I sensing a tone of wistful melancholy and a bittersweet acceptance of the unfathomable mysteries of corporate life in those numbers?"

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

'I've been a broker for almost three days and I've never seen the market act like this.'

The church of our lady of wall street.

In case of stock market crash break glass.

"Where should we target our advertising dollars? "Hold on, I'm checking my website."

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

"Psst! I got mantras. You need a mantra? Mantras right here..."

'Nobody understands you. . . do you blame them?'

'Sales are down. We tried to make the latest version, of our best selling software, foolproof. Apparently, someone was making better fools.'

'You've got a degree in mathematics? Well, the economy isn't logical. It's about irrationality, superstition, gossip and pure luck. You need a degree in gambling and black magic.'

"Don't forget, the market will take a sharp downturn on the stroke of midnight."

Indian executive playing flute to a business chart like a snake charmer.

'With these crazy markets, you have to diversify to protect your money. Put some under your mattress, some in your sock drawer, maybe some in a hole in the yard...'

Madame Zola - Bitcoin futures

"I once had a firm foothold in reality, but I found that it seriously undermined my ability to function as a financial market analyst."

'After a hectic day of trading, some of our traders need to decompress.'

"It's not a map of our new oil drilling sites--it's our stock price."