Morning News Reader Prints

"God heavens! My shares are listed on the cartoon page"

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

Fear of news.

Netanyahu versus Gantz

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Farmer reads newspaper headline 'Drought Hits Midwest'; sees sand dunes and camel caravan through window.

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

'Reed oil aboot tit!'

"Social service teams are claiming that they can't recruit workers because of the vicious, biased reports we write about them!"

These remarks are completely off the record

'And now for the (Yawn!) morning report....'

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

Election Cancelling Headphones

"Pour yourself a drink - the news isn't too good"

All things previously thought to be good for us are in fact harmful to our health.

"Caution, it's April Fools Day. . . Some comedian may or may not have put a true story in between the fake news!"

'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'

"Today the CIA investigated the FBI's investigation of the IRS' investigation of Trump."

"He just woke up from hibernation."

'That's the end of the news - (B****RD MEN!!)'

'Here are today's numbers: I earn $1369 per day, an increase of $548 per day over my previous job...'

Cover story: Weather Forecaster.