Morning News Reader Prints

"God heavens! My shares are listed on the cartoon page"

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

Fear of news.

Netanyahu versus Gantz

"We do have on item the internet hasn't already beaten into the ground, ad nauseam."

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

It's 10 P.M. does anyone know what 'sequestration' means?

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

News and Magazines. Record Debt. Dollar Down. How can the dollar be weak when we've been giving it such a good workout?

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Farmer reads newspaper headline 'Drought Hits Midwest'; sees sand dunes and camel caravan through window.

'And now for the (Yawn!) morning report....'

"Scientists believe the mysterious asteroid, known as 'Oumaumau', may be a space probe, a discarded solar sail or a huge alien turd."

"Social service teams are claiming that they can't recruit workers because of the vicious, biased reports we write about them!"

'Don't tell me - you've come as a newsreader?'

'That was the worst performance I've ever seen.'

These remarks are completely off the record

Election Cancelling Headphones

'Reed oil aboot tit!'

"Pour yourself a drink - the news isn't too good"

All things previously thought to be good for us are in fact harmful to our health.

"Caution, it's April Fools Day. . . Some comedian may or may not have put a true story in between the fake news!"

'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'

"He just woke up from hibernation."

Bin Laden

'That's the end of the news - (B****RD MEN!!)'