Mommy Issues Navigator Pillows

"I think my mother makes a very good point about 'being your own man,' Mr. Wackendorf."

"Boy, that's what I call a maze."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

'I don't like our new copier, it sliced my report into hundreds of tiny strips.'

'All those in doubt, raise your eyebrows.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"For the last time, we never need the route with the fewest turns."

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

Completely out of diapers and facing a seven-hour layover, Marsha happens upon a diaper scalper.

Daisy Diaper Service

'God, quick! Give me the gift of the gab.'

"Go about a foot and take a right, then it's the second left, no, no ... the third left, then straight …"

'You can go home today, but we'd like to run a few more tests on your husband.'

"If we synchronize our tantrums, they'll have to stop talking. You in?"

"Mommy is having another baby. Let me assure you that any paradigm shift will be incremental, core values remain family-centric, and Mommy is committed to assimilation and building synergy."

"There's got to be an easier way to lie around the house."

Mono-Tasking, Multi-Tasking, No-No Tasking and Nada Tasking.

Fire Backwards.

'I'm tired of all the small talk.'

"I know you're wrong, I just can't get the computer to say it yet."

Doctor Tries to Explain Breast Feeding

"No internet connection"

"After giving them the runaround for five minutes, pass them on to anger management."

'I was working on my online degree, until my computer went on sabbatical.'

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

Triplets

"Why do they tell us not to be childish? We're only nine!"

Baby's high fibre diet

'Inverted nipple? I've never got a straw when I need one.'

'Vocabulary doesn't seem that hard 'til you start trying to use it on girls.'

"Oh, great—here comes that crazy #@!*%! Jeff who won't shut up about conspiracy theories. How's my hair look?"

"I handled his last adventure. You take this one."

"Mom wasn't impressed with my suggestion that we 'agree to disagree'."

'And to think I started out as a little bundle of joy.'