Mom's Friend Pillows

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

'Einstein, the children are getting too complex for me.'

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

Baby knocks old lady out with pram toy.

A Communal Breakfast for the Young

A cow poos down a hole.'UH-OH!'

"Of course this'll be a great year. The data, sales projections, customer surveys, and my mom all think so."

'That reminds me, the seat broke on mine. I must make time to get it repaired.'

"I give up. Where's the power button?"

'We're just like family. Stop mumbling, Cindy. Straighten up, Fred. Get that hair out of your eyes, Janet...'

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

Danae's Career Plans: 'The major product manufactured today is punditry, so I'm honing my argumentative skills to work my way to the top of the blow hard industry..my goal is to become a spin ninja...'

'Well, Scout Smith, escort the little old lay across the street.'

Roe v. Wade

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

'Motherhood is great, but I get a really sore back...'

Infantry.

'I'm lost, did you happen to see a lady without a boy like me ?'

Senior Jeopardy!

Mother pours bubble bath into child's plastic pool

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

'Okay mum, I'll eat it all up. But I doubt I'll grow big and strong on this muck!'

Mother threatening to gag her baby.

"I'm exempt from the company fitness program. I have triplets at home."

"He's only energetic on sunny days."

'I don't think of my skin as saggy...I think of it as relaxed-fit!'

Mistaken baby ducks.

Sermon Applause.

"Our next contestant is Mildred and her specialist subject is "Other People's Business""

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

'Don't worry about making your will, Miss Moneybags leave everything to me. . .'

Kid to kid: 'I can't be wearing out my welcome. I didn't even step on it.'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'