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What Jesus said. . . What the Secular World Hears...

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"Black or white, Vicar?"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

Night-time halo

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

Thou Shalt Not!

Dogma

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

The ecumenical dinner party.

Minister to marrying couple: 'Remember, you're under oath.'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

Christian and Born again Christian...

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

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