Modern Life Reader Pillows

Perusing the digital bookshelf.

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

Crap from the future.

Audio Books

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

No Immediate Danger

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

Weird things I do because of the internet

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Did you get my tweet?"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

The Evolution Of Man.

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Large print e-book.

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

Tunnel of TV

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

Bashful in Nashville

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."