Modern Gadgets Gifts

'Removing the phone is easy. Getting your head and arms to their original positions will take weeks of physical therapy.'

Digital or analog elevators.

Salesman I-Pad Business Card

"Please—no technology questions!"

"This allowance is so last version. Is there an upgrade I can download?"

'There's nothing on.'

Do not abuse the Lawn

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

"The Heretic" - Imitation log fire

The dangers of modern technology.

"You couldn't possibly hit that many homes in one night. Not without drones."

21st Century Childhood Pranks.

Customer help - jargon talking i-diot.

"Lemonade App: $1"

"Neighborhood watch"? We don't have a neighborhood watch.

"Since he got that thing, he mostly just kills time."

"Fresh pepper?"

The Future: "Sorry, but I have to show you an ad now."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"The good old days of eating the washing off the line are all gone methinks: The farmer has bought an electric dryer..."

"Now, I'm ready for summer."

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

'Not that net!'

'Do you remember when our time away from the office was our time...'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

"There's smart phones and smart cars, so why can't there be smart rooms that clean themselves?"

"Google car."

'Let me through, I'm at Doctor.com.'

Dog Walking Services

"The GPS works great, we have satellite TV installed, the Sirius stereo sounds fantastic and our every move is tracked by Qualcomm. But could you turn around? I left me iphone at the house. . ."

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

'The fun begins when we go through airport security.'