Modern Concepts Pillows

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'It's not easy being ahead of your time.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

Wasting away again in Cappuccinoville.

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

Weird things I do because of the internet

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

"Did you get my tweet?"

Dawing your Cellphone

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

No Immediate Danger

"Surprise!"

Selfie Stick

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"I liked the fee-fi-fo-fum part, but I found the rest of his speech racist and repellent."

"Now you can send it."

'An encyclopedia? I don't know. Let's look up what it is on Wikipedia.'

'It's great to get back to the simple life'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

'Don't worry about the thumb sucking...she'll be texting with it soon enough.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."