Modern Concepts Pillows

"Guru" is so pass

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'It's not easy being ahead of your time.'

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

Crap from the future.

No Immediate Danger

Weird things I do because of the internet

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Why would I want to meet Santa? I can just go home and log onto his social media page from the comfort of my bed."

"I cancelled the cable, turned off the phone, shut down the internet. . . where the hell am I??"

The prophet who changed water into diet grapefruit soda.

Wasting away again in Cappuccinoville.

"Did you get my tweet?"

Selfie Stick

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

"Surprise!"

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Dawing your Cellphone

"Now you can send it."

"I liked the fee-fi-fo-fum part, but I found the rest of his speech racist and repellent."

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"I'd like to TikTok your offer and get comments before saying yes or no."

'An encyclopedia? I don't know. Let's look up what it is on Wikipedia.'

'It's great to get back to the simple life'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Tunnel of TV

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

'This is suppose to be progress.'

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."