Modern Art Detective Prints

Jerry's 'culture-vulture' persona was plunged into jeopardy when he mistook a light switch for a modern art installation.

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

"You've got a long, long road ahead of you, young man."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

"Well....I could've done this!"

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

'Are you sure this is authentic ancient Indian art?'

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

Cats at private view

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

Jackson Pollock Studio

Picasso: The Early Years

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

Convenience.

'My interpretation is that it deals with the artist's utter frustration over the scarcity of remaining, reasonable equity values.'

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

Pouring all emotion into his art, Pablo had none left for his face.

'At least I never have to straighten it out.'

The Cremaster Cycle

"Feel better, dear?"

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'

'Wait, this isn't Monet's garden, it's Mondrian's.'

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

Art Gallery.

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."