Modern Art Buff T-Shirts

Doctor says to Magritte character with apple in face: 'I'm afraid you've got worms.'

"Worse than giant clothespins, Ralph - Bauhaus designed alligators!"

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"What does it mean? I'm just the guard here...the colors move from cold to warm tones, signaling a gradual release from the stress of the diagonal."

Edouard Manet

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"Well....I could've done this!"

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

'Projectile painting.'

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Klimt Kiss Phones

"You're welcome."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

Cats at private view

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

Jackson Pollock Studio

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

Picasso: The Early Years

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'I don't care if Jackson Pollock did start out this way. We are drawing kittens.'

Tina Turner

The Cremaster Cycle

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Feel better, dear?"