Missing Specs Sympathizer T-Shirts

"Trouble is that I can't look for my glasses until I find them!"

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

"Let me take that for you."

No need for you to read this. You seem to have got it to a fine art.

Rodins rotten juggler

'Here's my report card and here's my personal disclaimer.'

Hot flashes

Sling

'If you can hear me, Larry Gligstein, please send a text to 555-703-7193

'But who comforts the comfort food? I'll tell you who: NOBODY.'

"It has a nice soft shoulder. You said you needed one to cry on, didn't you?"

'You are 14st 3lb..But then, you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.'

Type A Flu.

Sympathy Cards

"I'm sorry your head hurts, sweetie - is there anything I can do to make you shut up about it?"

"I'm meeting with Thor for drinks. He doesn't zoom.

"I need a card that's heavy on caring but light on commitment."

"Damn it, I still haven't got you right! Let's try again."

Hi-maintenance. Hellooo

Optometrist. How do they look? Great! How do they see?

You ready? You betcha. J-Lo will have a love child with Alan Greenspan, then cure male-pattern baldness. From the files of: It could happen in 2021. Technical support will answer the phone.

'I'm a failure as a manager and a husband.' - 'At least you're an excellent customer.'

"We are currently experiencing an unusually high volume of calls and all our advisers are busy..."

'These are really cool. I'm taking them off you.'

"Look, honey! All your lost eye glasses have mysteriously migrated to this drawer, and now they're plotting their next escape."

"I'm looking for a sense of security and piece of mind in a short-recoil-operated, single-action semiautomatic."

'For goodness sake, do it properly! Use your EYES! It's all about the EYES!!'

'There it is again...that mysterious feeling that we're clipped from a newspaper and hung on someone's refrigerator.'

"Do you have any 'Sorry to hear about your computer problems again'?"

"You rang. . . ?"

"I'm so sorry, I'm afraid he flew too near the candle"

Floral tributes

"This is my shoulder to cry on..."

'Wife and 6 kids to support.' - 'Is this allowed?'