Missile Maestro T-Shirts

'I just got a text from HQ. Whatever it is we do, it ain't rocket science.'

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"I thought you were making a coffee table?"

'Sure I'm late. . . I not only have to get ready for school. . . now I have to get ready in case some idiot takes my picture for YouTube.'

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

1 Only Smart Hammer Instructions

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

"Holy hell. I should not have based my whole personality around this..."

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

Sir Patrick Moore.

The Four Tops in Concert

Hip-hop cops on stage.

Comedy, Tragedy, Karaoke

"... and come out fighting, boys."

'Oh, I dunno. hat would you like to evolve into?'

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

'The best way to protect your privacy is through a flood of misinformation obscuring the truth.'

An Audio Technician's Pocket Knife

"Bacteria are fascinating. They multiply by dividing."

"Kind of makes your feel large and significant, doesn't it?"

"O.K., but what I'm about to tell you does not leave this news cycle."

Due to obsessive and intrusive attention by the Media, this news conference will be cancelled

The Poet.

"And that's why we don't have nice things."

Arnold's clone refuses to workout: 'You're a huge disappointment, dude.'

'Wow- you're one helluva great cook! Even the stuff you ordered from the delivery store is burned!'

"Wow! This car has a continental kit, train horn, smoothed-out firewall, polyurethane bushings and a 2400-CFM fan! I have a long way to go!"

Recording Studio

"Cool game!"

Elwood 'I Can Fix This Myself' McGrunzen

Tom Waits.

Those four microwave dings you just heard indicate that dinner is ready, Lance. Hop to it! Unlike some individuals I know, I am not one of Pavlov's wolverines.

'I'm testing whether the little blue pill. Will speed up the reproduction process of these organisms.'