Missile Maestro T-Shirts

'I just got a text from HQ. Whatever it is we do, it ain't rocket science.'

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"I thought you were making a coffee table?"

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

1 Only Smart Hammer Instructions

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

"Holy hell. I should not have based my whole personality around this..."

Comedy, Tragedy, Karaoke

War Heros Variety Night (playing a tune on his medals).

The Four Tops in Concert

"... and come out fighting, boys."

Hip-hop cops on stage.

'Oh, I dunno. hat would you like to evolve into?'

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

'The best way to protect your privacy is through a flood of misinformation obscuring the truth.'

"Bacteria are fascinating. They multiply by dividing."

An Audio Technician's Pocket Knife

"Kind of makes your feel large and significant, doesn't it?"

"O.K., but what I'm about to tell you does not leave this news cycle."

The Poet.

Due to obsessive and intrusive attention by the Media, this news conference will be cancelled

Arnold's clone refuses to workout: 'You're a huge disappointment, dude.'

Recording Studio

"And that's why we don't have nice things."

"Wow! This car has a continental kit, train horn, smoothed-out firewall, polyurethane bushings and a 2400-CFM fan! I have a long way to go!"

"Cool game!"

'Wow- you're one helluva great cook! Even the stuff you ordered from the delivery store is burned!'

Elwood 'I Can Fix This Myself' McGrunzen

"Compliments to the chef. It really is superbly cooked!"

Tom Waits.