Miser Humor Gifts

'You have to spend money to make money, and Walter just HATES it.'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"OMG, LOL!"

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

Terry had a computer bug.

Fenton G. Gonklemeyer, Computer Scientist - Booted Up 1928 and Crashed 2009.

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

"Will follow you on social media for food."

Hardware and software

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

The Smartass Phone

"Don't worry about her sucking her thumb. Soon she'll be texting with it."

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

"Alright. What should we watch first - the Youtube video or the comments below?"

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

'for more obit info, go to...'

The Escape Key

Terms and conditions

How are you feeling today? I feel just like a newborn baby. Really? Yes. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

"Does 14 followers on Twitter count as 'leadership experience'?"

"Damn it, Hopkins, didn't you get yesterday's memo?"

'Do you mind if I share your post on my wall?'

'It does data processing, word processing and list processing. Get me some data, some words and some lists.'

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"After she ran that clip of me getting a bath,... I posted this one of her stepping out of the shower."

Middle Age: When the four letter word you use most is 'What?'

"This is Siri. No, you're not there yet!"

Dear Sadie, I'm just an aging Baby-Boomer who still believes in America, and sees all the good around me, but I don't understand why we've become so mean. How can I feel good about us again? Signed, Marlemarion. Great question. There's an easy answer as to how you can feel better about the world. Change your name to something normal! I just don't agree with the @#$% premise that we've gotten mean.

'Am I on your good Facebook friend list, or on your bad Facebook friend list?'

'We've been lucky - sometimes you can be out here the whole day and fail to see a single boat!'

"Hey Alexa, make it nice and easy for hackers to keep tabs on everything I do and influence my voting intentions."

"An excellent interview Mr Twinglestop, now is there anything you'd like to ask me. . . Apart from home to switch off your 'cat filter'?"