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'If life begins at forty, why do they let us leave school twenty four years early?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'She said her first words today.'

Jesus Christ

Proud mums.

Father Sinead takes confession.... "You did F%!&>$G what, you C%*T!"

Keyboard in Heaven

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'You've all been whining a lot lately, so this week's sermon is from the 'Book of Lamentations'....'

50th Birthday Balloons

"Darling! He's walking!"

'...explain to me again why you are burying the shoe you threw..'

'21 Today - he wants the key of the door...'

"What's all this I've been hearing about the Cloud?"

'Time's up, chuckles.'

"Damn it—I think I just butt-donated to a charity."

'Curses on historical perspective.'

"I thought we should celebrate our anniversary. We've been dating 93 days as of...right now!"

"My wife took up walkin' a mile a day five years ago. Haven't seen her since!" "Lucky son of a..."

'You realize, of course, there are no easy answers.'

"Sad, isn't it? And he won't admit he has a problem."

"But you can't miss her second-grade first-semester graduation!"

'Forget the golf. I just got a nibble!'

'He's getting seasick again! This is the last time Joey gets to go boating.'

22nd Birthday

"Blimey, who'd have thought that at this level of play a contestant would stoop to an illegal false belly."

"But before we continue let's pause for a few moments of madcap wit and zany one-liners."

'Pool closed 3pm to 6pm. That's when we wash our sheets.'

'I gave at the office.'

Father Parrot: 'One day Son, this will all be yours.'

"Are you sure you've got sufficient funds in your account to cover this cheque?"