Midlife Marauder T-Shirts

"Not a word, Doc! I'm having hot flashes!"

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

'Now I know why the strategy guide warned against entering the 5th stage. Awesome!'

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

Speedo Limit: 21 Years

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

"You go pillage. I can loot from here."

You Know You're Old When...

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

"I think the milk's off!"

Lawrence of Suburbia

He comes by sometimes to tell me he quit my job, bought a convertible and is going to open a brewpub. Midlife crisis actor.

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

Parkour for the over-40s.

I'm turning to the 'Duck' side!

'Why couldn't your father have a normal midlife crisis, buy a convertible, or even have an affair with some young bimbo?'

'FYI, Stevens, nobody likes a middle-aged slacker.'

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

'My husband is one of those born again bikers.'

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

Mars Rover's wheels stolen.

"Imagine yourself: driving up the coast, the top down, tears streaming down your face because your wife had no choice but to kick you out, this time for good."

I do all of my banking online now.

"An olive or a twist?"

J.P. Dogsbody

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Dear Meanie, You should admit that it's a little late to worry about your "midlife crisis." We all know you dealt with that a while ago ... by having a wild fling with a dinosaur. Which is probably the real reason they went extinct. - Evelyn W. Seattle, WA. P.S. Be nice to Rudy!! I'd like to point out two things: (1) I am part Tyrannos

'I've decided to stay in bed till lunchtime to see if I feel like a teenager again.'

Our secret midlife crisis fling is still on track for June of 2018. Almost. Almost? That's right. You're not exactly doing your part. Where are the tattoos I designed for you? Where are the six-pack abs? If you'd been following the meal and workout plan I sent you, you'd have six-pack abs by now. you were serious about -- Have you even started the Rosetta Stone French lessons I gifted you? The pillow talk is supposed to be in French. Can't we just use Google translate? Beep beep. Unacceptable. D

"$100 for speeding and $250 for misleading the public."

"Adverbs, adjectives, conjunctions, clauses...I'll never learn to speak English!"

'Come home to your family, Harold. You are ruining the Chippendale's.'