Midlife Marauder T-Shirts

"Not a word, Doc! I'm having hot flashes!"

'Now I know why the strategy guide warned against entering the 5th stage. Awesome!'

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"Can he call you back? He and his mid-life crisis are celebrating their tenth anniversary."

Speedo Limit: 21 Years

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

"From Zero To Sixty In What Seems Like Eight Seconds Flat."

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

Altar Ego

You Know You're Old When...

"Don't kid yourself. Harold, you're no spring chicken!"

"You go pillage. I can loot from here."

"I think the milk's off!"

Lawrence of Suburbia

A Classicist Considers Taking Up The Mambo

I'm turning to the 'Duck' side!

'Why couldn't your father have a normal midlife crisis, buy a convertible, or even have an affair with some young bimbo?'

'My husband is one of those born again bikers.'

'FYI, Stevens, nobody likes a middle-aged slacker.'

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

Mars Rover's wheels stolen.

"An olive or a twist?"

'I've decided to stay in bed till lunchtime to see if I feel like a teenager again.'

"Imagine yourself: driving up the coast, the top down, tears streaming down your face because your wife had no choice but to kick you out, this time for good."

J.P. Dogsbody

"$100 for speeding and $250 for misleading the public."

"Adverbs, adjectives, conjunctions, clauses...I'll never learn to speak English!"

'Come home to your family, Harold. You are ruining the Chippendale's.'

Manuscripts.