Microwave Gourmet T-Shirts

"You've got the microwave, sauce and 15 minutes to make a traditional English Korma."

'I pushed the popcorn button but there isn't any in there.'

"When you say "Someone doesn't know how to put a paper towel over a bowl of chili to re-heat in the nuker", I know you mean me."

'...and the property comes with a fully fitted kitchen'

"It's a little bland, because I microwaved it."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Cookbooks

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

The Main Types of Cheese

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Too much cilantro

To do before Saturday...

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Wendy likes horses...and she is a keen cook.

Holiday Supplies

'Is this still America?'