Medicine Practitioner Pillows

'Take two eyes of newt and call me in the morning.'

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

A female patient in an exam room sees a sign that reads, 'Break glass in case of physician burnout'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

Ice Cream Surgeon

A midwife holding a baby

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'Don't feel bad — all tree huggers get a splinter now and then.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"Your contents have shifted."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"The first one's just a warning."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"We're playing doctor. Do you have any old magazines for our waiting room?"

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

"I can't give you a prescription for milk and cookies."

"You have to believe what you're doing will lead to something valuable, even though it probably won't."

"My, grandma, what a big nose you have! Let's take a little off the sides."

'Well, well, well. It wasn't a 12 lb baby after all. It was a six pound one pumping iron.'